Forced Association is NOT socialisation

Today I came across this quote:
“Forced association is not socialisation.”

It was originally about homeschooling — the idea that just because kids are surrounded by other kids at school, doesn’t mean they’re actually socialising.
And honestly… that hit me.

Because it got me thinking about how often autistic kids are encouraged (or sometimes pushed) to join social groups, go to events, or hang out with peers “to build social skills.”

You know the ones — the structured social groups, the “buddy systems,” the paired-up activities because someone thinks they’ll be a “good match.”

But here’s the thing: forcing interaction for the sake of socialisation isn’t socialising.

Doing something against your will doesn’t make you feel safe.
And when you don’t feel safe, you’re not learning — you’re surviving.

That whole “they just need more practice being social” idea? It misses the mark.
Felt safety is what actually helps kids connect and grow.

Real socialisation happens when:

• There’s choice (“Do you want to join, watch, or skip today?”)

• There’s safety (no pressure, no forcing it)

• There’s shared interest (something they actually care about)

It’s not about how many friends they have or how many groups they attend — it’s about whether they feel safe enough to show up as themselves.

Sometimes connection looks like parallel play, sitting next to someone while they both build in Minecraft, or chatting online about a shared interest.
And that’s okay. That’s real.

So let’s stop treating socialisation like something we can force or measure by attendance.
Instead, let’s create spaces where kids feel safe, have choice, and can connect in ways that actually feel good for them.

Because when kids feel safe, that’s when the magic happens.